Ten Pictures: Amtgard

In lieu of my more traditional Ten Pictures, I've decided to take a different approach in my blog post on Amtgard. Before I show any pictures however, I guess I'd better clarify what "Amtgard" actually is since most people have no clue what I'm even talking about. Apparently, it is a live action role played combat game where people dress up in self made garb and battle each other using an array of weaponry and magic skills. Damage is dealt by striking an opponent and armor is constructed to be worn as a defense against hits. The game is made more complicated by the addition of elements and spells and whatnot but the basic theme you need to know is people gather together and engage in combat using a highly structured and rule based method to play. For example, once a played has been "killed" he or she cannot simply get up and leave - often they must wait for a "reviver" to come and resuscitate them. If they do leave, they face a time penalty for which they must sit out the action while they wait for the time to expire. At times different persona are assumed and classes are assigned to each player and indicated by a different colored band worn (classes can range from warrior to healers, assassins to druids (in tune with nature I believe - so you would play as a tree I think) and many more roles. Because It was my first time witnessing the game I'm not entirely aware of the whole structure and believe me, it gets more complicated what with other towns traveling to invade and massive conflicts and so much more.

{The players of Amtgard the day I went, there is Cesar, my friend, far right wearing black and red - he's the one were rooting for}

Now if you've read my last post then you know I've decided to turn over a new leaf and not be judgmental - and what a monumental place to test my resolve than to go watch an Amtgard game. As you can see by the picture above, and by the description I just gave, this game isn't exactly conventional when it comes to what young adults do. But, like I mentioned before, I have my "sick, twisted, deviant and psychotic" fun with horror stuff so I'm not here to judge: if Amtgard makes Cesar and his friends happy then it makes me happy. But regardless, I want to point out that this is a very colorful bunch of characters. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with what they're doing its just a little funny at times. As "non-judgmental" as I would like to be, Its rather difficult not to find something like this a little amusing:

{The giant viking looking redhead wearing a last samurai inspired getup and wielding a massive sword ala something out of Thor is named (aptly) Eric the Red. I would also like to point your attention to the questionable embrace on the right hand side of this picture - something we will discuss later}

And Eric the red isn't the only one - there was a whole slew of funny characters from the shirtless swashbuckling stefan (who...well we will talk about this later) to chef boyarde and his WOW/hot pants wearing (and totally looking to be the center of attention in a field full of male nerds) girlfriend, a Filipino dude whose long hair, skirt and black tank top sometimes made me mistake him for a woman (although he was very friendly), a cool templar with a kind of awesome outfit (the red cross), another giant who wielded an even bigger sword and a wild mane of hair and another guy who color coordinated his outfit and his shield named max - who coincidentally was having his girlfriend whisked away by the apparent celebrity of the evening, Enrique (*shaking my fist in the sky*). There was even an annoying british guy...oh excuse me, a white guy putting on a fake British accent. While I've always secretly longed to be as liberated as them and shed my "half-assed tough image" for my more natural "enormous fantasy nerd" outfit, I couldn't help but laugh at some of the extremes they went to. The best part though: clearly they all enjoyed themselves and accepted each other no matter how extreme or bizarre their appearance - it seemed like the ultimate level of some inverse 7th heaven shit were everyone was living in perfect fucking harmony lol.

{The Amtgarders lounging about mixing people who look rather normal like Cesar and the guy in the black tank-top with the very skinny and eccentrically clothed (or not entirely clothed) Stefan and the rather ironic giant guy with misfits printed on his back and gladiator inspired shoes)}

I guess that's the nice thing to take away from this game: that everyone can just have fun doing what they all secretly have always wanted to do: turn their love of video games into a real life fucking game - because who says you can't do this kind of shit. In fact, let me inform you that these guys have BALLS because all this is in full view of everyone - and by everyone I mean every ref driving down bird road in the middle of rush hour. And speaking of refs, you now this confuses the hell out of them - do you think this shit goes down in Cuba, no son. When they see this many people gathered with such elaborate costumes they automatically assume its some big budget epic film (keep in mind though the standards of the Cuban motion film industry - rather low would be an understatement). Besides all that, these guys, and the occasional girl (two were playing!) really have the balls, or umm, "fun parts" for the girls - to really go out there and do what they like no matter what people think. That confidence was quite refreshing I might add.

{This is all out in public, to be honest - I don't know if I would have the balls to be dressed as link or be half naked wearing the gayest ensemble I could imagine all while wielding giant swords. That being said, the guy to the left really went all out and bought himself some shit made of out metal: we know two things about him - one he's got enough money to buck the foam/tape/tons of imagination trend everyone else did and go buy a fucking metal outfit and two - he really lives for this shit, so much that his fucking wife/girlfriend better get used to this as their sexual role playing because nothing else is going to do it for him like this does}

But before you think that I think of all the Amtgarders as the second coming of Walt Disney (my true messiah) I want to point out that behind all the costumes and fancy fighting there is a darkside to Amtgard: the women. You may think I'm about to post some nasty paragraph about how ugly any girl who plays this has to be but you're wrong: I spend less time judging their looks (although...) and more time judging their intentions. And let me be clear, ladies you're not the only ones I was analyzing in my head - fellas I don't trust half of your lot either. I also am going to take the time to demonstrate how unfortunately for some, self confidence and defensiveness have a fine line that some of these people didn't just cross - evidently they fucking trampled it. You must be so confused - like wtf is he going about? Allow me to explain:

{Behold: The Women of Amtgard!!!}

You would expect the girls who enjoy these traditionally more masculine activities such as hand to hand combat are not your traditional kind of girls - you know, the girls who shun makeup in favor of swords and who care more about their assassin's level than their outfit. Well, contrary to what Cesar led me to believe, sadly its true - of the two girls that I saw playing I don't think I'd find either attractive. I'm glad these girls found a place in which their comfortable but lets be honest - most guys don't swoon for the women of Amtgard. That being said, don't feel sorry for them - this concept of being a girl and playing a "boys" game is like the oldest one in the fucking book and let me tell you these "untraditional" girls have this shit memorized. Sure, this girl, who is dressed like a medieval peasant turned cowgirl from Texas, may not be able to compete with the skinny minnies and pretty patties but lets keep shit real: she found her own way to win over the hearts (and dicks) of guys - being in their element. Ask any guy, well mostly any guy but especially any nerdy guy whats hot and the answers will be clear as day: a girl who basically does everything a guy does but has the fun parts that guys really want to play with. Lets see: girl likes rock music (cool!), girl plays video games (whoa!!!!), girl dresses up in cosplay for comic con (WOOOW!!!), girl plays Amtgard (DING DING DING!!!!) and kicks ass - (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). Guys totally dig girls that hang with them and can be just fucking like them - its like having your best friend (guy of course) grow a fucking vagina and become Pamela fucking Anderson overnight. You can now do everything you ever wanted with these girls: eat, have sex and play games - and she actually likes it too!!! And this level of showing off isn't limited to the players- I saw little miss hot pants+WOW shirt girlfriend of chef boyardee strutting her stuff like a goddamn supermodel because maybe up against cheerleaders she's like a 4 but here, bitch just rose to level fucking 10. Not all girls who attend Amtgard may conform to this but make no mistake: they're out there and they're loving the attention.

{You know whats the cool part about being around guys who won't really judge you - you can get away with just about the gayest shit and everybody just laughs...nervously}

Another interesting observation of the evening (and I will use this section to make things funny again after my awkward outburst in the last paragraph lol) is the shockingly obvious yet totally "subtle" homoerotic undertones of Amtgard. Direct your attention to the photo above or quite frankly any of the previous fucking seven photos I posted because all of them are gayer than richard simmons doing the paso doble in a red sequined dress (mental image time!). It seems like Amtgard is a time to be about as gay as you can without anyone really calling you out for it: naturally I will use Stefan as an example. But don't interpret my choice of using him as an example as reason to believe that I disliked him - I actually liked him a lot, as I will detail in a bit. Stefan, seen here shirtless, wearing leather pants, a red bandanna (really just a shirt but like that changes anything), and a scarf wrapped through his belt loops - excuse me a checkered -is looking as gay as can be. Never mind the fact that he's dressed like an extra for will and grace, he also has a way of sashaying about the field which puts most of those women of Amtgard to shame. Does anyone call out Stefan for being so deep in the fucking closet he's in Narnia? No, why because look around - all these guys are practically sashaying or prancing, many are in various states of undress and "fighting" which is always a thin line to begin with and all are perfectly comfortable embracing, lounging around and admiring each other in questionable ways ("I can't wait until you stick your sword in me!"...lol wut?). In fact, I bet you Stefan has a girlfriend because the other thing I noticed is that the gayer you are in Amtgard the more likely you have a girlfriend [Cesar, if you're even reading this (if anybody even is) this totally excludes you ;-)]. Amtgard is like a bizarre parallel universe - the uglier you look, the weirder you dress or the gayer you act = makes you that much more likely to have a girlfriend. Maybe these guys are like that comfortable with their sexuality - then shit, these are some progressive and confident ass people! Don't get me wrong, let them prance around the park for all I care - If Amtgard is anything it seems to be a place where the weirder you think something is, the more acceptable it becomes. I swear people glared at me when I told Jeanna I was drinking Coke - had I said I was drinking fucking jellyfish piss then nobody would have looked twice. This is in fact why Im begging to like this shit more and more, if they could find a way to tell society to fuck off more - then I swear they'd all be doing it the next time they met up - Drinks up to rebellion! Sadly though, not everyone is like Stefan and Cesar - with this upbeat confidence and I don't give a shit attitude come some serious egos.

{The people of Amtgard....have noticed me - *awkwardly stare in fear* O_o}

If there is another thing i noticed its that for all of the incredible level of acceptance these Amtgarders have I didn't feel as welcomed as I would have liked. Well, actually let me rephrase that - I didn't want to be welcomed and as it turns out I got neither: I got that uncomfortable look of "what are you doing here". Now hold on for a second here? What am "I" doing here? Are you all, who I will bet 20 bucks weren't the most popular kids in you schools, really trying to treat me like an outsider??? Look, I understand that people don't often understand your choice of fun but I didn't come to point and ridicule - first off I came to see Cesar so unless he forgot to pass along the invitation to the public park then I don't see why anyone should be looking at me like I'm the fat kid in the dunkin' donuts. Ok I'll try to sympathize here: most people probably assumed I was there to cast judgment and be like these fools ahahaha but the truth was, I wasn't. I was genuinely interested in what it was like (although the first hour was slower than molasses and the battle which I guess happened wasn't the all out war I expected - although according to Cesar I coincidentally missed his epic rampage in my half an hour leave of absence ;-p) and I just wanted to see Cesar and hang with Jeanna. I feel like everyone was like looking at me with weary eyes - wondering if I was taking pictures of them to put on an exhibit entitled: "Behold: The Weirdest People on the Planet bwahahaha!" - um no. I like taking pictures, and I think this is a cool place to take pictures of something I've never seen before and quite frankly I hardly believe I'm the only one taking pictures. Some people even came up to "inquire" about me - like as If I wasn't onto that old tactic - "oh who are you? Oh how nice of you to come, so what are doing here?" - umm, why do you care? Let me pull out a bit of Spanish here since I think that Spanish is a far superior language than English at conveying emotion in speech: "Haré lo que me da la gana - Si me quiero cagar en la hierba - lo voy hacer y mas nada!!!!". Okay then, that being said - not everyone was unwelcoming or cold: The Filipino was very nice and made every attempt to be friendly, I was a little to quiet to respond so I was a little out of it but he was nice and Sashaying Stefan was super friendly too- he made no attempt to be awkward around me and sadly being my anti-social self I didn't say much but next time I plan on mindfucking him by not shutting up = its my method and it always succeeds in making people feel weird around me! Others were friendly too but I realized this is a very, um, "close" group of people: they don't really want outsiders unless the outsiders really want in (or are girlfriends or boyfriends of the players I guess). All this aside - it made me realize something about this guy:

{Cesar - the only person I knew there besides Jeanna. Because Cesar didn't approve of the last photo}

If there is anyone there who people should be more like its Cesar: out of everyone there he seemed to be the nicest and the one who made you feel the least awkward. Maybe its because I knew him, but i felt like if more people were like Cesar - then the it would have felt more relaxed - I wouldn't have felt so "un-belonging". That being said, I didn't necessarily dislike my time there - in fact I really enjoyed it. I don't know why but I left feeling very relaxed and calm - I didn't have to go crazy, nobody expected anything of me and I didn't have to perform. I found the time to just relax and enjoy myself and see something I don't get to often see. Some people made me laugh, or got me angry and others made me feel weird but in the end I enjoyed myself. Jeanna helped a lot too because she was fun to talk to and was enthusiastic. Perhaps my time would have been less enjoyable (and creepier) if I spent it sitting in the car by myself quietly watching Cesar. But like I said, having Jeanna there made the time enjoyable (and lucky! was great!) and I wish I could have seen Cesar more but he was "busy" ahem "killing tons of people" ahem (just messing!). But, I did want to breach one more subject. You know, I kept asking people what they thought of Cesar, like does he kick ass or do people like him and almost everybody universally agreed that yes - Cesar is well respected and even more well liked. But, perhaps I'm missing something here but it seems like there is a weird dichotomy to this Amtgard thing. If this is a world in which everyone should be equal - and considering the fifty billion rules they have I believe a certain standard and equality are appreciated by the group - then why is it that certain individuals seem to get celebrity status. Lets get this barrel of hay rolling:

Every once in a while I enjoy using this blog as a funny outlet to airs my thoughts and opinions. Well as I explained to Jeanna, I have an opinion, or better yet a thought, or actually who gives a fuck - I have something I want to get off my chest. You see I wasn't mister fucking popular in high school - don't worry I'm not going down that self deprecating road so I'll spare you my misery but the point I was trying to make was that I understood that I wasn't Johnny Fucking Bravo and I knew where to go to fit in. I didn't go too low with the downright uglies because I'm not that bad but shit I wasn't aiming for the big leagues either. And quite frankly, I was ok where I was because I felt like I fit in - I was where I belong - somewhere in that "average" gray area. So what really gets me going is when I see people who should be up one notch drop down to try and be the one eyed king in the land of the blind. Point in case: the Amtgard celebrity status. Earlier in the day, some guy pulled in and all of a sudden like 6 people rushed to his car like he was Britney fucking Spears. I figured shit, who is this guy? Why does he have a fucking fan following like the lunch lady at fat camp? It turns out that whoever the guy was he was nothing special - but that didn't stop everyone from being up in his business like he was holy. But if I thought that was bad - nothing prepared me for this guy:

{You must be wondering why I have a shirtless photo of him on the beach - well patience my friend, this photo is perfect for what I'm about to write - oh and I don't have a regular photo of him because my camera died (.....stupid cam...whatever) - wondering how I got this? Lets just say a little facebook stalking skills take you a long way}

Behold Jesus. Or at least he must be because the caravan of Amtgarders who flocked to his car like he was princess Leia and Darth Vader all rolled up in one fucking fanboytasic sushi roll. I mean it was straight up weird. I'm not joking when I say that when this guy - and yes, note the bitchy way I wrote that - walked over in his black ass-suit looking like "I'm that fucking man!" everyone and their mother crowded around him and hugged him. I'm sorry did I miss the memo? Is he like Buddha or something? Does hugging him increase your health or bring good fortune because if not then why Is he being treated like a fucking celebrity??? And then it hit me....that tricky bastard = he IS a celebrity! And I know why!!! I'm onto you know buster because you may be able to fool these Amtgarders with your shiny suit and cocky attitude but I'm not blinded by this shit like they are - I see right through you! Now, if you're wondering why I seem so crazy over all this (and as I write this my eyes are like this O_0 and my hair is pulling an Einstein) its because there is something you should know about me: I am the center of the fucking universe (PLUS ONE FOR MODESTY!!! hurray!). I like being the guy people know and oh what the fuck lets just admit it, i have a superiority complex and I like to be "The Guy" who gets the attention by telling the jokes, never shutting up and having the quick wit. In the event someone comes and upstages me......excuse me, I need a few more dots..........I don't take it very well. So when this "Enrique" fellow walks in and totally steals my thunder (of which btw nobody seems to be partaking in so in reality im just plain crazy but whatever) I develop some like weird man-crush because if everyone fucking likes him so fucking much then guess what I'll fucking like him too! So what the shit, im not going to hug him like everyone fucking else though because my throats not big enough to fucking swallow my enormous pride but I'll glare from afar - and I've mastered my glare so It works well. I mean lets face it, the only reason I really have a man-crush is because i'm jealous of the attention and that's my childish way of dealing with Jealousy since I may be 21 but I have the maturity level of a 12 year old. But random man-crush aside, what really got me thinking is that the only reason he's the center of attention is because he put himself there. Let me explain: Enrique is good looking. All gayness aside, one just needs to be objective and say that you wouldn't call him ugly - and he's skinny so you can't even pull the fat card like a few of the other Amtgarders (sorry but its the truth). So, if you are - one of the good looking people- then can someone tell me why you've decided to play the "IM THE OUTSIDER" card because im not fucking buying it. Really? you're an outsider? What preppy girls don't think you're pretty enough? uh-oh Croc-O-Shit buddy.

I know that game cuz anyone can play it if the they know the fucking rules. You want to be the big fish in the little pond - of course in the sea of good looking people you are just - a fish. A plain old smelly fish. So, jump to the little pond full of not so "sexy" outsiders and oh look! you've just become ali baba - now you can feel as superior as you want because everyone thinks you're the last twinkie left in the world and everyone wants some. Well guess what? I don't buy it - you know why because this may be your trick to get pussy (and guess what, I saw you ride off with that taken girl (sorry max or whatever your name was) and I heard the stories (I won't name my sources) and I know that game oh too well because all of fucking Penn plays THAT game. In their schools they were the outkast geeks but in Penn, where looks count for shit but genius is better than gold they're suddenly the big shots. That being said, I still totally have a bro-crush and I don't mind meeting you since you will not be aware of my secret ranting over your bullshit (which lets face it, again all this boils down to jealousy but im never going to admit that out loud) and who knows you may even be a nice person and I may even end up liking you too like the rest of the crowd. Then that'll mean that I'm an asshole - well I already know I am so lets say a bigger asshole - and I can swallow my words along with my hat. But then that'll also mean that your freakish charm, which is really voodoo in disguise (you don't fool me santero!) will have worked on me too - thus in the end I was right after all and VINDICATED! Omg where this whole post go? Why am I nuts and why is this post so long - i've got to wrap this shit up.

In conclusion, which lets face it means nothing to you because 9/10 of you skipped all but the first paragraph, looked at the photos, maybe read the captions or not and are now skimming through this trying to decide if its worth reading the end just for the sake of it. I had a great time today, I saw, I talked, I thought (a whole lot apparently) and I had an eventful day - I couldn't ask for more! I want to go again, but Cesar probably hates me now because I'm always paranoid somebody hates me, so I will probably be lied to and coincidentally the Amtgarders "aren't meeting up anymore". In which case like a paranoid, stalker ex-wife I WILL drive by, back with my trademark glare, and rest assured If I do you see guys playing I have a fucking SUV and calculating the numbers here I could probably mow down a good 8-10 of you before the others scatter so the choice is yours (this is not a threat!). Anywho, here's hoping for an Amtgard post part II and I promise - It won't be this long again lol